Breaking the Rules: Cute Questions

It is late and I have uni in like 4 hours but I am going to be stupid and reply to some tumblr question thing my friend Chelsea tagged me in. I'm meant to tag other people too but I can't be assed and I'm posting it here! (Because my tumblr is partially inactive because no friends.) 

I'm pretty sleep deprived and going to sleep in 6 minutes so yeah rushed answers

I broke the rules chels, sorry.

1. What is the single most important inanimate object you own? Why is it important to you?

 It would have to be my DSLR camera, it's really shitty (but I love it to bits) and I've pretty much destroyed it because I take it everywhere not in a camera bag (hey, live a little, man.) and I got it like... 4 years ago actually but it created a completely new medium and aesthetic for my own expression, as well as allowing it to be something to keep me holding on to the parts of me I felt like I was losing in my academics.

Becoming the demographic

I've never really felt welcome inside retail stores, despite the 'customer comes first because they have the money' policy that I assume many stores have. I've never really had a problem with this (aside from feeling slight anxiety and judgement but nothing too major) as I assumed that they'd had a long day working in a store, and wouldn't want to deal with outfit choices of a tiny Korean girl that was way to small to fit a lot of their clothes, or didn't have much spunk nor vision. I just simply wasn't their key demographic really. This spanned through my preteen and teens, where I grew slightly taller (slightly), and kept an eye for things that I found interesting, and started to build upon my wardrobe. (mostly crazy things that nobody else had because we're only young once #yolo).

Now that I've started uni and I've completely been consumed by this drive to be unique (no regrets with rainbow flatforms, fluro tunics and cropped turtlenecks) It seems as though somewhere, well actually, more like sometimes I get something right. A t-shirt, a skirt, a necklace (+ friendliness too to be honest). And store owners are slowly warming to me. I'm not saying they are bad at their jobs, or they're ice queens à la  Narnia, just that I've changed (from the exterior). I was still this little Korean girl but now one with supposed spunk and vision and audacity. Slowly, I'd become part of this demographic that retail stores target, of the intrepid and interesting girls that wear their clothes (which are conveniently the ages of 18-21). From this I've noticed the shopkeepers have began to make conversation 'I like your skirt! I haven't really seen it in stores?' as well as be more willing to help me out (I'm looking at you, high end stores).

Although I've noticed this natural transgression into this what feels like lapping waves of friendliness I don't really know how to feel about it except this; people make snap judgments. To be honest I guess I am a more friendlier person, and less shy, and slightly less anxious, but in all, my inner disposition is the same little Korean girl, but in our current society, the way you're is dealt with will be their first impression of you. From this, clothes can play a large factor, especially in an industry where aesthetically pleasing is good, no matter what the person's personality is like. I guess from I'd like to say that I kinda learnt something; everyone will be at a point in their lives where they're figuring things out, or don't feel confident, but I shouldn't judge people by what they look like, or what they wear. They shouldn't have to become my demographic for me to see who they are as a person, or want to see and I've discovered that most people are pretty cool too if you give them a chance. And to sum it all off in the eloquent words of Leo Tolstoy; 'It is amazing how complete is the delusion that beauty is goodness'.

My Thoughts on: (500) Days of Summer

(500) Days of Summer
2009
Marc Webb

It's so intimate it hurts.

(500) Days of Summer is about the relationship between a young card-writing architect Tom (Joseph Gordon Levitt) and secretary/drifter Summer (Zooey Deschanel) and the turbulent up and downs that we may encounter in a relationship. It is shown from the perspective of Tom, and his idealized relationship, consisting with many quirky montages and narrations awash with dreamy songs that play in our heads in our own soft montages.

I was once in the same shoes as Summer herself (relating to the 'supposed' antagonist) where I wanted a relationship that was just (and this term is tossed around so often) - casual. I felt like I was young and free, but also wanted to experience a constant connection with someone, an experience. Albeit this wasn't without consequences (that felt like it was entirely my fault), in various summers, I had broken the hearts of a couple of boys, because I was selfish with my heart and I didn't want my emotions to be controlled by another person. Little had I known they I too had control over theirs (and I'm truly sorry for that). In another sense I wanted to be the fun-loving, bubbly and quirky manic pixie dream girl that I had partially idolized and envisioned in many movies. An unabashedly girly and gorgeous being who swoops into young men's lives and shows them an otherworldly time. I was unintentionally molding myself into a characteristic that in reality, is unrealistic and was just a fantasy. (500) Days of Summer hit the nail on the head for me, bringing me back to these deplorable and cobwebbed feelings of the past, but from Summer's perspective.

(500) Days of Summer is told in a non-linear narrative utilizing in the sense (as many critics have already pointed out) of the way we recall significant memories; sitting on the park bench sharing ambitious hopes, lying on the bed recalling surreal dreams and fears, even quietly heated and flirty debates about musical differences. It's so intimate, and so real, that it hurts. These situations happen, these are the little things that are the fabric of a relationship  We see the foundations that have built up and it also effectively presents the dynamic of the couple. We see how smitten Tom is over Summer, the way he notices and likes 'her heart shaped birthmark on her neck' or 'how she licks her lips before she talks' as well as his insecurities of this unequal relationship.

By inequality I mean the inequality that truly stems from their differences in the intentions of the relationship even though they had been established from the start (by Summer). Summer wanted a casual relationship, but Tom (despite the obvious disappointment that stirs up in his face and idealistic fantasies) seems to want something more but bends to the tone set by Summer. Tom, viewed Summer as the aforementioned Manic Pixie Dream Girl, this rifted upon stock character of many charming movies. Tom blindly placed this unrealistic character in his real situation.

Tom, with his extremely boyish charm, strives to have this ultimate relationship, and put pressure upon Summer. This is easily identified from this beginning when Tom is introduced from the beginning saying (he) 'grew up believing that he'd never truly be happy until the day he met the one. This belief stemmed from early exposure to sad British pop music and a total misreading of the movie, 'The Graduate''. Tom like me, grew up on films, and they placed heavy weight unto our experiences that did not play on a screen (wow this is getting weirdly paradoxical) and onto Summer. This movie motif is applied in some scenes of Summer, one of which there are dreamy sun-soaked extreme closeups of Summer laughing as they make animated conversation on a train but we can not hear them.

Ultimately, for no specified reason, Summer breaks up with Tom. There is a very poignant and heart wrenching montage where the moments that Tom constantly referred to and played back, also had bad moments. The moments in life, that are quietly brooding, and yet we deny ourselves from. We've seen them in these situations played on screen but we too, chose to neglect them a little. Tom had placed his fantasy relationship onto Summer, who wasn't the once to reciprocate it. Tom had seen Summer as the Manic Pixie Dream girl, of which she didn't want to deliver. She left. She moved on. And just like she justified the parting of her previous relationships, it explains this one too, 'What always happens. Life.'

(500) Days of Summer in a weird way shattered my constant idealization of life (which isn't really a bad thing always) by comparing it to films, but also my expectations of other from this too, and of myself. Things won't always play out like a movie and in reality other people contribute to my own story line and sometimes life isn't a fantasy. I shouldn't set myself up to set footprints upon other peoples hearts if I don't feel I can deliver, and I shouldn't neglect the problems or the bad things that I may encounter, but, to also love the magic of coincidence in reality - The unexpected and serendipitous, for one of these experiences, may work out right.

'Coincidence, that's all anything ever is, nothing more than coincidence .. Tom had finally learned there are not miracles. There's no such thing as fate, nothing is meant to be. He knew, he was sure of it now. Tom was... pretty sure'

(Side note: late post so I'm super tired and not going to proof-read/edit this tonight)

Being a Lonely Girl

I Love Cats

Who were these people I was surrounded by anyway?

Went out clubbing today. It was dreadful. What does one even do at a club? I had envisioned such a perfect night, girls sticking out for each other and dancing until our feet were sore and catching up with old friends, and meeting new friends. I guess it was partially like that. I guess I shouldn't have gone, really. And I would really like to vent it out and be irritated by everything from start to finish but I really should be the better person. (singular, you know who you are)

Anyway I also went to a cat show today (hence the first picture) and my future kind of played out before my eyes and granny-nah had totally found her calling. I took so many pictures of these gorgeous cats I will upload them in the near future (possibly tomorrow!). The second picture is the dress I wore to the club, it is amazing, and the girl at the store helped me decide between two and she was super sweet (thank you!) when I was having a life crisis at the store for like half an hour.

Anyway should hop off to bed, despite the cheery tone I am just in a mood to pick a fight with anyone really.

Flowers

NATURE

Some late night drawings of anatomical parts morphed with flowers

People Who Buy Me Food are Generally Cool.

Maaaaaaaaan I just finished my first 'wave' of tests. The first test was terrible. The second test was decent but disappointing. the third tests results aren't out yet. I'm very nervous about the last one (36%!!) but hopefully it would be okay. Before the third one (before the majority of them actually) I was in a really bad state and really teary, and I popped two 'Stay Focused' pills from my friend before the third one. I really hope those were what they were and not laxatives etc. (wouldn't put it past the guy to be like that really).

Anyway, I was in a extremely bad state before the last test, because I felt very ill-prepared and was still learning things the night before the test which was terrible. I was at my stress threshold and the fact this test was worth so much of my grade made it so much worse. Anyway, I have two moments where people have come down from the heavens and given me food (in this case an equivalent to gold, or kittens or all things good in the world). The first was I was studying for my chemistry test (test 2) and my friend Elizabeth gives me her V energy drink to get me through my study. I haven't had an energy drink in so long and it was just the boost I needed. I was blindingly grateful and felt so happy. The next moment was for the biology test (test 3) where Amy and Chelsea somehow (I don't even know how because I lost my phone) came into the library and found me and smuggled me an entire packet of gummy worms. It was symbolic in a sense about how interconnected I still am even though I don't really... connect. That I'm never really alone, and even though uni is lonely and uni is stressful there'll always be people... willing to offer you food. But more than that too, that there's always someone who wants to laugh with you, so listen to you, or will support you.

Anyway, thanks you guys.

The Taste of Failure

I got a mediocre grade for a test I really studied my ass off for. I could quote most of the source material off by heart and had re-listened to about 7 hours worth of lectures for it prior to the test, as well as hours of studying. It's really not pleasant getting an unfortunate grade for what I thought I was trying my best on. I feel so useless and I'm so close to giving everything up.

It was like the worst case scenario, it was like a dream and I wished to wake up and everything would be okay. It was that moment, and when it came to it, I got that terrible sinking feeling and I just felt so... worthless.

I've never had this happen to me really; sometimes, yes, I didn't get a grade that I wanted but usually this was my fault, but this time, I felt that I had tried, really tried for once. I know I should say I learnt from my mistake and it just motivated me more to try harder for next time! but I am honestly so discouraged I don't know what to do. So I cried. I cried a lot, and I've pretty much cried every hour this weekend. I'm a mess of tears and snot and there are tissues everywhere and empty toilet rolls. I've cried during every meal (where I quietly excused myself and went to the hallway) I've cried during conversations, I've cried during reciting notes, I've cried staring at my parents, I've cried marking past test papers. 

I guess I just don't know what to do. But I hope soon I'll figure it all out.

Uni Student Blues

I have two exams coming up, one is next Monday worth 15% of my mark (which is actually a lot better because I thought it was 30% for like two weeks, but now have done some poor prioritizing) and I have on on the same week, on Thursday worth 36% of my grade (fuck.). I am not lying when I say I am behind. I have so many gaps in my knowledge that need to hastily be filled in a week, which means I'm really really feeling the pressure. It doesn't help that I have exam anxiety and am not very confident in my own abilities. I don't know. Partially it feels like everyone around me knows everything already and I am just trying to keep up, while they seem to be having a brisk morning jog.

Anyway, this was not meant to be a depressing wall post, but possibly a post to laugh at all my problems. I'm become the bumbling, sleep-deprived, mentally unstable, food stuck in teeth, falling-asleep-in-lectures university stereotype. And I've decided on a right-of-passage type deal which completely consolidates my new found status

1. Nutritiously poor meals; pies, pies, ramen, sandwiches (okay this one is questionable), mountain dew, and an unreasonable amount of hi-chew. (hi chew are these japanese/korean candies which are on sale at the university dairy type of thing which has allowed be to report that the blood glucose in my bloodstream is 90% due to hi-chews). Anyway, these wonderful high energy dinners have been fueling me the last couple of nights, and what's worse is eating them alone at a table late at night still at the uni.
2. Going through 2 cans of Bastiste: I don't know if I spelled it right and I'm not going to check (it's 2:31 dammit). It's pretty much my quick fix cleanliness in a can. The next best thing to cheese in a can. It's dry shampoo, on the days that I can't have a quick morning shampoo and condition I use dry shampoo as a quick-fix to make my hair look less nasty. I know, it's not pleasant and now if you' know me you'll never come near me again. Also other shortcuts to hygiene; buns and ponytails. Now you know when to stay away from me. Now you know.
3. Being not on time: okay so this is not as detrimental as it may seem. But today I turned up an hour early to my lab (but I thought I had come right on time) and started freaking the fuck out because no one was there. Laboratories are mandatory and part of our grade so naturally I was so scared thinking I would be late. I rang other people in my lab, they were confused and said they'd be there soon. I didn't know until I asked another girl who was waiting, and we had a brief argument about what time it REALLY was currently and I discovered I had not turned my watch back for daylight saving. Yay.

Anyway, I am terrified out of my skin for my exams and it feel like I don't know if I'll get through these ones. I guess I've always naturally been good at academics (not trying to be arrogant k) but now that I'm in a cohort where I'm 'average' its really really really not been a fun time. Also I want fingers crossed to get into optom but I need AT LEAST an A- average in all my papers and only 60 from a potential 500 (?) get in.

Argh. Fears aside, here's my bipolar blogpost and a picture of a (clay) embryo my brother made 2 years ago. (I made one too, but I don't have it yet. I call her Meryl Streep (it was that or Beyonce Jr.))

And mind the typos, I'm really tired. 

Speed Blog 2

I HAVE SPENT THE MAJORITY OF THE DAY DOING MAGIC EYE. I bought the book at a primary school fair for 2 dollars! And it is amazing. Magic eye is a book of autostereograms which using a technique (mine is to hold the book close to my face and focus on the bridge of my nose - it helps that I have a big nose) you can see a 3D image from a 2D picture by just using your eyes! It is crazy. But now I have a crazy headache and I'm pretty sure I'm permanently cross eyed. Curse you magic eye.

(NOTE: The first photo works! Bring your face close to the photo and focus as if you were focusing on something in the distance and slowly bring your face back allowing the image to come into focus by itself (apparently this is how you are 'supposed' to do it) you'll see an image of a star if done correctly!)

Things I would buy if I was bathing in money

RUBY - Rocky Stud Necklace

Lonely Hearts - Cut Out Triangle Softcup Bra

Stolen Girlfriends Club Jewellery - Jaws Ring

Lonely Hearts - Zigzag Dress Leopard 

Stolen Girlfriends Club - Hiss Dress

...Which I am unfortunately not. This is the result of my numerous tabs and my obsessive online shopping scouting, all things are linked to the online store in case someone who is potentially bathing in money wants to buy it (preferably for me)

1. The RUBY Rocky Stud Necklace is a gorgeous blend of grace and edge and as it is the year of statement jewellery (conveniently timed with my year of actually accessorizing) I can not fawn at this enough. It's seriously cool.... And also there is a 75% chance that the next time you see me I will be wearing this. (I am weak willed).
2. I've always wanted a piece of Lonely Hearts lingerie, they seem so lacy and delicate and beautiful, and this would look really badass under a tank top. 
3. How could I not pine after this ring which is appropriately, and wonderfully named the 'Jaws Ring'. It's so glamorous and edgy and yes, sharks. This is actually more of me dreaming because I don't have half a grand spare. Pity. 
4. One of my favourite brands is Lonely Hearts (evident in this, and the first post) and I am slowly falling in love with this zany print. The print is so grungy and interesting, and the dress adds a element of femininity. What I'm trying to say is I like this a lot. And I wish I owned it.
5. I love the new collection by Stolen Girlfriends Club. Apparently it was based on the old books by R.L Stein, the Goosebumps series. I love this dress. I love it so much. When the preorders of the new season of SGC was announced I actually planned to save and get this dress eventually. A week later, after I looked at it it was all sold out. Desperately (and now my desire for this dress had grown an infinityfold) I looked around trying to find anywhere which sold it, and everywhere was sold out. This was the dress that got away (pretty sure if I see someone on the street wearing it, I will pop an artery too)

Anyway, I have two exams coming up worth 30% of my total grade. These posts have been my crazy procrastination for these tests and as a result I'm going to inject my veins with coffee to study. And for anyone who knows me, or reads this, and has lots of money. I'm a size 6. Thanks.

This is me

 pants: stolen girlfriends club - zip riding pant in tweed, shoes: STYLENANDA, lips: free elizabeth arden lippy my friend gave me! (love you chels!), top: found in my wardrobe 

THIS IS ME.
I live in New Zealanddddd and I am Koreannnnnn
I decided I might as well post a picture up of myself.
omg #regret

Anyway, my pants by NZ brand Stolen Girlfriends Club arrived as well as my shoes that I ordered from STYLENANDA. I actually planned to return these pants, because they were pre-ordered and expected to arrive in March, but then didn't ACTUALLY arrive until today... And then during the time of March began to regret my decisions and then had delirious visions of guilt because of the cost (it was pretty much the tell-tale heart but I hadn't murdered anyone) and then emailed the website the next day saying although it hadn't arrived, I wanted a refund, (wow I am a bad customer.) but they never replied. I wasn't very pushy (I'm a passive person at heart) and then they arrived. And they are beautifuuuuuuuuuul.

The material is really nice they're really thick and warm and the tweed is very soft and comfortable. I love how it's quite high waisted and elongates my body (I am actually very tiny) and arghhhhh it's so form fitting and actually looks really cool.

But then regret again man, I went and splurged with this purchase argh but it's too late now to return it right? RIGHT? ...

(Side note: It's very tragic how Roger Ebert passed away yesterday. He was the first critic that I started reading his essays of, and his writing was very poignant, critical and beautiful. In a weird way he's influenced me a lot, and it's truly disheartening to hear this news ): )