I am sitting outside on a metal chair with a corresponding metal table outside, eating a pita, alone in the dark. It's 8°C outside and it is freezing and my fuzzy pink pullover really isn't cutting it. But strangely, this is the most content that I have felt all week (and even the semester maybe).
My permanent intrinsic state is to be alone. I've always spent the majority of my time alone, I have watched a movie alone, I have gone shopping alone, I've eaten dinner alone. And I've always liked it; instead of feeling this pressure to fulfill the expectations of someone else, even if it is just the state of 'being' I could just be comfortable around my own self. This changed all around in year 10, when things such as being 'sociable' became large influences in my life. Instead of feeling comfortable around myself I needed to provide entertainment for others. It's really strange that way how in the modern day society, everyone is expected to be entertaining or even obliged or forever be labelled as boring. I was happy to befriend people as much as I could, I got to know as many people as I could and this continued for some while.
Not spending so much time alone led to this moment of cohesiveness with a group. A feeling of unity and belonging. I was intoxicated with this new found feeling of being included. I was wanted. I could express my strangest musing and be bold and exciting and share interests with a group of like-minded and equally challenging people. I could be reckless and rebellious without fear of judgement or disorder.
Coming to university, I thought it would be like what I described, but on crack. I thought I would meet an array of bold and invigorating people who were vivacious and craved things beyond the means of their limits. People like me. But I was disillusioned and disappointed. Firstly, being so comfortable around the same group of people for 5 years led me to lack any form of social skills acceptable to communicate, but also, everyone stayed in their group of friends. I slowly, am still, started to sink into a world-hating hole. I didn't know why I was doing such an academically strenuous course when it wasn't what I had desired, I didn't understand how people placed such a high priority of intellect over potential friendships, I hated being surrounded what I saw as many apathetic, judgmental, and headstrong people who were so unable to emphasize with another world view. It frustrated me.
It all toppled over when today I tried to express my struggle into words and it was misinterpreted as an academic struggle and met with pompous contempt. When I was dismissed and belittled as an spontaneous outburst when this is how I have been feeling this entire year. Did I want to surround myself with people like this? When today, I was told 'Wow, you're really strange, you like really strange things...' [in reference to art, and film and philosophy] I really began to see how truly different I was from everyone around me. And yet this didn't empower me, I despised everyone. I was dispirited and bitter and wished misfortunes upon everyone. They would never understand me, and I would never be wanted in this group. I wasn't smart enough, I don't want this, I don't enjoy this institutionalized teaching. I felt the loneliness and the typical feelings of being misunderstood. As the typical teenage cliche goes (although 5 years too late) no one understood me, and this created a barrier to those who I didn't know. Sometimes, no, I do not want to talk about who I 'bet' in terms of test grades or I have to get at least 89 in my final exam to get A+. I am not blaming those who do, as these are valid conversational topics, yet in my mind they were slowly and slowly accumulating, further ostracizing myself. I just wanted to felt like I belonged again. Appreciated even.
I guess I am writing this to organize all my negative thoughts and the demon that is sulking inside of me. Why things are the way that they are, and why I feel this way. I guess the fundamental flaw lies in the lack of understanding. To have similar feelings, emotions and experiences reciprocated with another human being is arguably one of the most important things in life. It's the fundamentals of art, film, and music, to express all the abstract emotions that we feel but can not express in the mere form of colloquial communication. These things are created to be enjoyed, empathized, consumed and understood by another individual and appreciated. It is why a music concert can be so incredible - you may be a faceless mass but the knowledge that everyone around you is unified into being so strongly moved is sensational, a spectacular, unstoppable moment of tumbling momentum and pure emotion. I want to express and be met with someone who will 'get' me. I just want to meet another person in my figurative music concert. To be understood is all I want, a kind gesture, or an empathetic nod; an understated moment of acceptance and pure kindness.
Tuesday, May 28, 2013
Wednesday, May 22, 2013
My Week, With the Common Underlying Theme of Youth
I finally got instagram (well, I finally replaced my old phone!) a lot of the photos are ones from my blog, and some are not. Or some where I've just done a flat lay but not taken pictures of my actual outfit. I notoriously hate obvious filters so I've been avoiding those (#exphotographystudentdoesnotappreciate) and seriously I have been waiting until my instagram banner was uploaded (THE MAGIC NUMBER IS 7 PEOPLE)
I've been watching a lot of Bewitched (1964-1972), the classic TV show where the wife of a couple is a witch. It is a delicious sitcom, of which my dad used to watch a lot of when I was a kid, and I love everything about it. The kooky broken effects, the monochrome, the cheesy humor, and man Elizabeth Montgomery is really gorgeous.
Fruit salads and hot chocolate for those cold studying days. Also bed socks. Many bed socks.
My mum's quilting fabrics (it is her new obsession and she is adorable). She made me a bag which honestly I cherish because I know of the hours she pored on it, hand stitching everything.
Lonely Heart Label sample sale! Which I went with with my friend Jasmine, and which I got a couple of pieces. Looking back I wish I had gotten a couple more things (a black maxi dress and a woolen sportswear esque cut out dress) but neither of them had my size so that was probably for the better. None the less, this
was comparatively dirt cheap and I went crazy in their storeroom. ah.
My cat enjoying the last few rays of sunlight
My mum went shopping at Nosh and she bought these massive italian cracker things and some dip (can I call it dip?) when I asked her what both of them were she had no clue (she is wonderful that way) and the dip was pepper and so delicious.
Other Thing I Loved This Week
Just Being Miley- I was never a fan of Miley Cyrus, never have been, but this article kind of made me see her in a different light. Possibly because before I was viewing her from the perspective of a young, quivering yet judgmental young girl who just did not understand why she would do what she did with the fan base that she had. But now as I am getting older I emphasize with her youth, the way she may want to experience things, and that really, it's her damn life, and she's just living it.
Open All Night Part 2- This makes me want to talk to everyone I meet. How genuine this article is makes me want to melt. It is an appreciation and homage to youth, the way teenagers are just teens, just doing what they do (theme here much?). It was about short interview with teenagers that the authors scouted at night at an IHOP (american breakfast diner or something apparently). The night is a magic time, where pretty much the best things happen, and this captures the glory of the teenagers in all their angst, and rebellion, and hilarity, their shenanigans and their lives.
Stories We Tell - I really want to watch this film. This is a documentary film by the director Sarah Polley (Take this Waltz, Away from Her). It is about the director herself and her family, the way she interviews her siblings, her parents, relatives about her mother, and how her biological father may not be the one she associates with now. The selling point seem sappy but the trailer looks delightful and poignant, quirky and celebratory and movies about the strength of family are the ones that really get to me.
Dana Stevens on Roger Ebert - I really respect the work of Dana Stevens, her criticism is extremely well written and she's exposed me to new films, and new perspectives. She writes for Slate, and I'm pretty sure I first started to follow her when she was co-hosting a regular film podcast I listen to, Filmspotting. On top of that, I love Roger Ebert. He was the original person that allowed me to see what potential films had, how they embodied all it meant to be human in this experience and enigma that we call life. His reviews (or stories?) were my first bite of criticism which was so enjoyable to read, it was so fluently written and incredible. To read this was so beautiful. It was otherworldly. This is a beautiful article (with the beautiful scanned in letter), he was indeed, so much more than a movie critic.
22 - Taylor Swift
And this is my guilty youth song, loud and proud guys and HOW GLORIOUS IS THE MUSIC VIDEO. So, so, so fun. (Man how do I make the video player larger you can not appreciate this in that tiny thing. I HAVE CONQUORED YOU HTML. Now how do I stop it from being a square???
Sorry about the awkward layout of this post. As per usual I am way to lazy to change it.
Outfit Post 5: I Want to be Circa 90s Drew Barrymore
Something I wore to my friend Joycelyn's 18th birthday! It was a really cute night where I caught up with everyone despite just bumming and home or studying and it was really nice. I saw a lot of my friends from high school that I didn't see much of. It's kinda sad that I can't see their lovely faces that often, and I guess it doesn't help that we pretty much all pursued different bachelors, so it was really sweet to catch up. I wore the loose pants with a nice structured top and it looked very formed and architectural but still cohesive. There were cute little balloons (stuck to the ceiling with tape!) and mini pies (mini pie consumption count = 12)
Current obsession : Loose fit pants with prints, I don't really have great legs for pants but these daisy print pants are too cute to resist. In a weird way I feel very Drew Barrymore in the 90s when I wear it (Drew Barrymore IS the 90s man)
Here's some Drew Barrymore love, stay golden.
Thursday, May 16, 2013
That's 4:13 AM
Wednesday, May 15, 2013
Sunday, May 12, 2013
Outfit Post 3: Frida
My friend Chelsea reminded me that I haven't been blogging for a WEEK. Which is kinda crazy because I have an test on Monday (15% this one) and blogging is my procrastination. Again, the number of times I blog kinda depends on the weather and in amongst days of extreme cold (I think I have frostbite...) TODAY HAS GLORIOUS WEATHER which was kinda perfect for photographing.
Saturday, May 4, 2013
Uninspired
"The only people that interest me are the mad ones, the ones who are mad to live, mad to talk, desirious of everything at the same time, the ones who never yawn or say a commonplace thing but burn, burn, burn, like roman candles across the night"
- Sal Paradise, On The Road
Friday, May 3, 2013
Wednesday, May 1, 2013
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