I AM THE WORST BLOGGER IN THE WORLD

I'm pretty much the worst blogger in the world and I am extremely sorry if you decided to invest your time into checking this out at all. So there is my groveling and self-deprecating apology to you.

What have I been up to recently?

Well, I watched Spring Breakers, and strangely enough to my own surprise I fucking loved it. So so so so so much. So much so, that is haunted my thoughts for a complete week and convinced me to change my zine idea completely (But hey, it's all experimental anyway). It's now going to be called Love Letters to Cinema: (insert title and long subject)  and it's just going to be personal essays on cinema. Hopefully these interest anyone really, because instead of being technical and nitpicky, I'm going to have some freedom and fun with these, weaving in personal experiences and connections to philosophy or art or other cinema. I'm a freak. Above are some teaser photos. So I guess I've been working on that.

What else have I been up to...

My holidays I pretty much did nothing. I 'attempted' to study but not much was done. I went to my friend's bach (beach house) just for one night and it was surprisingly fun. I felt uncomfortable with 80% of the people going but to be honest it wasn't as bad as I had imagined. I thought it was going to be a Lost in Translation moment where I would feel painfully lonely surrounded by people. But yeah it was pretty good. It was Orchard's birthday. (Happy Birthday if you're reading this) so we (actually, Patricia) made masks of Korean boys (some idols which I couldn't identify) and surprised her. It was ubs cute.

I've been feeling pretty restless these days. I think it's a natural young adult late teen instinct, drilled into us from centuries of party loving cavemen and feasting knights and whoever else in history wanted to have fun. I just want to go out and enjoy every moment (as opposed to being locked up in a dusty room). It sucks. Sometimes I just want to experience it all. While I can, and soak up everything and see things with new eyes and a clear mind. Or am I going gonzo crazy I don't know.

I'm slowly meeting some pretty interesting people in biomed. It's strange though, because these people were just acquaintances last semester that I slowly just talked to more. I just I needed short term gratification haha. And I've started to self-diagnose myself with mental disorders via wikipedia which probably wasn't the best idea in hindsight and genuinely got worked up over things (even though a piece of me does feel this way still), alas, take me as I am whatever. (And sorry Jahn for being a emotional trainwreck)

I'm pretty much 3 weeks behind on all my papers so I should probably hustle. Laters gators.

Zine Update

The first two pages of my zine that I have VERY SLOWLY been working on (Low Res too to try and not reveal too much not like that's working). My zine (if it ever gets around to completion) I'm hoping to be called 'Anonymous Conversations'. The first volume will be about escape. From this I mostly drew aesthetic inspiration from the teenage small town angst and entrapment of the films The Virgin Suicides directed by Sofia Coppola and Dazed and Confused directed by Richard Linklater. The cover is a direct homage to the title card of The Virgin Suicides - full of unabashed girlishness but also symbolic of youth, and imagination.

The contents of my zine I think will mostly be photography and direct homages to radical films. I'll see how comfortable I am with my face hahaha, as well as hopefully little drawings and lots of mixed media. I'm hoping these photos are full of sun drenched, youthful, extreme close ups and intimate portrayals of life. Acts of quiet rebellion, long nights and long days. As for the direct contents I've long been completely obsessed with the 'Before' films (Before Sunrise, Before Sunset and now Before Midnight, which I saw the other night and adored, all directed by Richard Linklater) and I think what I love about them is how genuine they are. I'm obsessed with things feeling real. I want to translate this into my zine, I want to have Anonymous Conversations with my friends (of course I'll tell them) where we discuss a topic (and hopefully the anonymity really calls for some soul searching and openness) and I write them down (also inspired by Interview Magazine, and my beaten up copy of Influence - yes that book by Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen which I love btw) which reveals the beauty and the struggles of the day to day. Art imitating life. Hopefully I finished this ever. Okay bye homeslices.

Tears

I just feel too stressed out and upset these days. I've always been obsessed(?) with crying ever since I had laid eyes on Pablo Picasso's 'The Weeping Woman' from when I was 7. Those who know me know I have a terrible tendency to cry, and cry at the simplest things. I think I just feel too much. I cry when a friend waits with me at the bus stop, just so she can walk home afterwards, I cry when I watch my parents come home after a long day of work, I cry when friends leave, or when I think of the friends that have left. I cry thinking about AIDS, thinking about strokes, longing, escape, thinking about futures, hopes and unattainable dreams. I feel the burden and the sadness of life to a much too sensitive degree, and it plagues me often.

I guess this started from an early age, I was never one to handle abandonment well (this was what it felt like!) and everyday when my mother left me at primary school I would cry until my eyes were red and raw, and felt like my tears were sandpaper. I would be ostracized to a corner where no one could see me and ignored for the rest of the day. And this happened everyday. I guess from a young age I didn't know how to handle it except for to be left alone to cry and cry and cry not doing anything about anything.

As a kid I loved art. When I was asked when I was 5 what the thing that made me happiest was I said 'To create art'. I loved Monet and Van Gogh and Picasso. The big names. I found Van Gogh's intricate brush strokes incredible, his biography enthralling. Monet's large and blurry dreamy landscapes captivated me, and Picasso's abstract and sharp images intrigued me. It was such a pity I lost all these aspirations to such conventional and inexpressive endeavors. Anyway, to see 'The Weeping Woman' hit me hard. I saw the suffering and the pain of this woman, the contorted and twisted face filled with so much sadness. I felt this sadness too, and could not explain it at all. It felt like some sort of confirmation after all, and demonstrated how we, as people can feel so much emotion but not be able to express so much of it into words.

I decided to take these photos mostly out of stress, out of procrastination, escapism and partly because I wanted to test my new camera (got a canon 7d what up). I just took some photos and did some watercolours and crudely superimposed one to the other. I do like the obvious 'flatness' of the watercolours as it doesn't bend to the forms of my body but also as it emphasizes them. As well as each distinct palette of colours creating a different mood or sensation that may be associated to crying. Alright, I think I wrote too much, and there is waaay too much childhood reflection in this post, should probably stop moping now.

Portrait of Suburbia

 From my bike ride; feelings of wanting to escape, of quaintness, small towns, feeling restless, muddy tracks and low rise houses. Feelings of stillness and isolation, quiet silence broken by the occasional dashing car. Welcome to suburbia.

Self Portraiture Without My Face

Sometimes I think that other things instead of a perfect selfie are better representations of a person. In my opinion, the things that are imperfect or different make up the essence of a person, their scars, their pimples and blackheads, goosebumps, protruding ribs, their unshaven hair, collarbones and their moles. In this case, I decided to do some self portraiture without including an entire limb, the intimate super close ups that are usually only recognized by the person themselves or a significant other. It also helps that I haven't really been taking care of myself during exam time, and I guess I feel you can see someone's true colours when they are pushed to their limits.

Strangely enough though, I feel like this is the most vulnerable and raw photos of myself that I have ever taken even though most of them are a tiny patch of skin.

Also the natural light was too damn good to pass up and caught every contour beautifully.

Now I'm going to go ride my bike and read books in strange parts of town - stay lovely, Ciao!

Things That are Pink + I Want to Make a Zine

I think I am going to make a zine these holidays. I want to concentrate all my creative energy into a project, and I think I'll upload the pages here (as well as physical properties if possible). I already have a couple ideas and it will be really interesting to play around with an aesthetic every time as well as continually being inspired.

From Urban dictionary:

1.	zine
	"Zine" is short for fanzine. For all intensive purposes, a zine is a cheaply-made, cheaply-priced publication, often in black and white, which is mass-produced via photocopier and bound with staples.

To get a better idea here's the Fanzine Tumblog or a great article by the New York Times that captures the essence of zines really well

And also think I'll visit the fanzine library at Auckland City Libraries (they have one apparently) when I have time and kinda excited.

Pink things explained

1. Wooden heart beads from the $2 dollar to make kitsch friendship bracelets spelling out 'zine' just cuz little things spelling bigger things are modestly interesting.
2. Pink Flowers I took photos of while riding my bike (literally riding with one hand, and the camera in the other) for stress relief.
3. Plastic tiara and Frankie Magazine
4. Laffy Taffy that Calvin got me for a study snack (DAYUM THESE ARE GOOD?) and he is so sweet argh.
5. Note I left to the next owner of my Spray on Paradise Ksubi jeans! (They weren't getting much wear because slightly too small and getting a pretty good price for them)

Also, gave my credit card to Orchard. But expecting 3 more parcels from various lapses of judgement and pre-orders.

That is all, stay golden my lovelies

N

Photography Post 1: Dark/Light

The dichotomy of Darkness and Light has existed for a long time - from Biblical origins (when the world was initially formless and void and then God created light) to light and dark imagery in Shakespearean works such as 'Othello' of tainted nature, to even the symbolism of struggle and resilience in Nolan's 'The Dark Knight Rises'. Whatever the case, one cannot be present without the other, and are at striking differences.

In this series, I planned to play with contrast - of this light and dark, silhouette and brightly lit, natural and synthetic. I wanted to create something striking with this contrast, as well as the photo (actually all photos) being dependent on light. And further symbolically; me coming to terms to the darkness that may reside in myself.

But enough about me, the low down about the lamp;

In this my mum is about to throw away this lamp that we've had for a while. The fringed detailing is falling off,  the lamp does not sit up straight nor does the lampshade. It's a little worn, a little wonky, but it's so ambient. The worst part for my mum is that there is no switch, you have to pull the plug out. I love this lamp and I was heartbroken to hear it would be thrown out as if it was trash. In my last desperate attempts to save it, my mum said no, if I really wanted a lamp she'll get me a better one, a more expensive and prettier one. Nevertheless I also wanted to capture the quality of this old-fashioned and much loved lamp. To shatter the illusion, I plugged an extension cord from the house and out to my driveway to the lamp late at night, and then started this shoot, I'm extremely happy with the results and it was nice to try and achieve something artistic in a while.

Anyway WHY AM I DOING THIS SO CLOSE TO EXAMS ;;

Outfit Post 5: I Want to be Circa 90s Drew Barrymore

Something I wore to my friend Joycelyn's 18th birthday! It was a really cute night where I caught up with everyone despite just bumming and home or studying and it was really nice. I saw a lot of my friends from high school that I didn't see much of. It's kinda sad that I can't see their lovely faces that often, and I guess it doesn't help that we pretty much all pursued different bachelors, so it was really sweet to catch up. I wore the loose pants with a nice structured top and it looked very formed and architectural but still cohesive. There were cute little balloons (stuck to the ceiling with tape!) and mini pies (mini pie consumption count = 12)

Current obsession : Loose fit pants with prints, I don't really have great legs for pants but these daisy print pants are too cute to resist. In a weird way I feel very Drew Barrymore in the 90s when I wear it (Drew Barrymore IS the 90s man)

Here's some Drew Barrymore love, stay golden.

Outfit Post 4: Lazy Wednesdays ft. Sassy Cat

Outfit Post 3: Frida

My friend Chelsea reminded me that I haven't been blogging for a WEEK. Which is kinda crazy because I have an test on Monday (15% this one) and blogging is my procrastination. Again, the number of times I blog kinda depends on the weather and in amongst days of extreme cold (I think I have frostbite...)  TODAY HAS GLORIOUS WEATHER which was kinda perfect for photographing.

Outfit Post 1: Unsaturated with Love

Being a Lonely Girl

I Love Cats

Who were these people I was surrounded by anyway?

Went out clubbing today. It was dreadful. What does one even do at a club? I had envisioned such a perfect night, girls sticking out for each other and dancing until our feet were sore and catching up with old friends, and meeting new friends. I guess it was partially like that. I guess I shouldn't have gone, really. And I would really like to vent it out and be irritated by everything from start to finish but I really should be the better person. (singular, you know who you are)

Anyway I also went to a cat show today (hence the first picture) and my future kind of played out before my eyes and granny-nah had totally found her calling. I took so many pictures of these gorgeous cats I will upload them in the near future (possibly tomorrow!). The second picture is the dress I wore to the club, it is amazing, and the girl at the store helped me decide between two and she was super sweet (thank you!) when I was having a life crisis at the store for like half an hour.

Anyway should hop off to bed, despite the cheery tone I am just in a mood to pick a fight with anyone really.

This is me

 pants: stolen girlfriends club - zip riding pant in tweed, shoes: STYLENANDA, lips: free elizabeth arden lippy my friend gave me! (love you chels!), top: found in my wardrobe 

THIS IS ME.
I live in New Zealanddddd and I am Koreannnnnn
I decided I might as well post a picture up of myself.
omg #regret

Anyway, my pants by NZ brand Stolen Girlfriends Club arrived as well as my shoes that I ordered from STYLENANDA. I actually planned to return these pants, because they were pre-ordered and expected to arrive in March, but then didn't ACTUALLY arrive until today... And then during the time of March began to regret my decisions and then had delirious visions of guilt because of the cost (it was pretty much the tell-tale heart but I hadn't murdered anyone) and then emailed the website the next day saying although it hadn't arrived, I wanted a refund, (wow I am a bad customer.) but they never replied. I wasn't very pushy (I'm a passive person at heart) and then they arrived. And they are beautifuuuuuuuuuul.

The material is really nice they're really thick and warm and the tweed is very soft and comfortable. I love how it's quite high waisted and elongates my body (I am actually very tiny) and arghhhhh it's so form fitting and actually looks really cool.

But then regret again man, I went and splurged with this purchase argh but it's too late now to return it right? RIGHT? ...

(Side note: It's very tragic how Roger Ebert passed away yesterday. He was the first critic that I started reading his essays of, and his writing was very poignant, critical and beautiful. In a weird way he's influenced me a lot, and it's truly disheartening to hear this news ): )

You and I

So university life isn't as amazing as I had idealized  It's only been my second day and I'm so tired all I seem to dream about in class in when I will get home. I imagined (as I do with most things) that university life would be like in the movies or like in Undeclared (created by Judd Apatow) where I expected to gain extreme best friends in a new school with a new and improved 'me'. It isn't. It's the most tiring and physically strenuous change that I have ever experienced. I wake up extremely fatigued and by the end of the day feel like collapsing. After a 7 hour block of lectures and labs with a quick 1 hour break in between life isn't very pleasant. Also, I'm in a extremely competitive course of study, which creates a very nerve wracking atmosphere. Everyone seems like they're sizing each other up to everyone else, or making swift comparisons  It's just tiring. It's exhausting. The pressure is great. In a bad way. Half the time I don't want to talk to anyone. The other half just wants to have otherworldly conversations with like minded people and have serendipitous moments with the people which I am assumed to spend the rest of my life around. Which I haven't done at all.

Today was made suddenly better when I got home (far too early with no study done). I got the book that I ordered from the mail 'You and I' which has the photographs by Ryan McGinley. It is an amazing book and encapsulates the irrational, spontaneous spirit of the young, and the young especially when immersed in adventure and life. It's exactly the pick me up I required, and yes, it again creates unrealistic expectations of being young and free, (because one can not spend their entire life on a road trip) but it gives me a little vacation to rest my mind. It allows me to be absorbed in a world where time is endless and the rules are trying to not get caught. To visit beautiful places, to run around naked, to play with fire.

I guess I need to free myself from the mundane. I need to experience and overcome this hardship, because there will be a time where I will have this freedom. I need to remember to make the most of every moment in time, because it will be gone in a second and one day this might be the stuff I wish for.