To Be World Hating - Stream of Consciousness Confronting my Inner Nihilist

I am sitting outside on a metal chair with a corresponding metal table outside, eating a pita, alone in the dark. It's 8°C outside and it is freezing and my fuzzy pink pullover really isn't cutting it. But strangely, this is the most content that I have felt all week (and even the semester maybe). 

My permanent intrinsic state is to be alone. I've always spent the majority of my time alone, I have watched a movie alone, I have gone shopping alone, I've eaten dinner alone. And I've always liked it; instead of feeling this pressure to fulfill the expectations of someone else, even if it is just the state of 'being' I could just be comfortable around my own self. This changed all around in year 10, when things such as being 'sociable' became large influences in my life. Instead of feeling comfortable around myself I needed to provide entertainment for others. It's really strange that way how in the modern day society, everyone is expected to be entertaining or even obliged or forever be labelled as boring. I was happy to befriend people as much as I could, I got to know as many people as I could and this continued for some while.

Not spending so much time alone led to this moment of cohesiveness with a group. A feeling of unity and belonging. I was intoxicated with this new found feeling of being included. I was wanted. I could express my strangest musing and be bold and exciting and share interests with a group of like-minded and equally challenging people. I could be reckless and rebellious without fear of judgement or disorder.

Coming to university, I thought it would be like what I described, but on crack. I thought I would meet an array of bold and invigorating people who were vivacious and craved things beyond the means of their limits. People like me. But I was disillusioned and disappointed. Firstly, being so comfortable around the same group of people for 5 years led me to lack any form of social skills acceptable to communicate, but also, everyone stayed in their group of friends. I slowly, am still, started to sink into a world-hating hole. I didn't know why I was doing such an academically strenuous course when it wasn't what I had desired, I didn't understand how people placed such a high priority of intellect over potential friendships, I hated being surrounded what I saw as many apathetic, judgmental, and headstrong people who were so unable to emphasize with another world view. It frustrated me. 

It all toppled over when today I tried to express my struggle into words and it was misinterpreted as an academic struggle and met with pompous contempt. When I was dismissed and belittled as an spontaneous outburst when this is how I have been feeling this entire year. Did I want to surround myself with people like this? When today, I was told 'Wow, you're really strange, you like really strange things...' [in reference to art, and film and philosophy] I really began to see how truly different I was from everyone around me. And yet this didn't empower me, I despised everyone. I was dispirited and bitter and wished misfortunes upon everyone. They would never understand me, and I would never be wanted in this group. I wasn't smart enough, I don't want this, I don't enjoy this institutionalized teaching. I felt the loneliness and the typical feelings of being misunderstood. As the typical teenage cliche goes (although 5 years too late) no one understood me, and this created a barrier to those who I didn't know. Sometimes, no, I do not want to talk about who I 'bet' in terms of test grades or I have to get at least 89 in my final exam to get A+. I am not blaming those who do, as these are valid conversational topics, yet in my mind they were slowly and slowly accumulating, further ostracizing myself. I just wanted to felt like I belonged again.  Appreciated even.

I guess I am writing this to organize all my negative thoughts and the demon that is sulking inside of me. Why things are the way that they are, and why I feel this way. I guess the fundamental flaw lies in the lack of understanding. To have similar feelings, emotions and experiences reciprocated with another human being is arguably one of the most important things in life. It's the fundamentals of art, film, and music, to express all the abstract emotions that we feel but can not express in the mere form of colloquial communication. These things are created to be enjoyed, empathized, consumed and understood by another individual and appreciated. It is why a music concert can be so incredible - you may be a faceless mass but the knowledge that everyone around you is unified into being so strongly moved is sensational, a spectacular, unstoppable moment of tumbling momentum and pure emotion. I want to express and be met with someone who will 'get' me. I just want to meet another person in my figurative music concert. To be understood is all I want, a kind gesture, or an empathetic nod; an understated moment of acceptance and pure kindness.

Uninspired

"The only people that interest me are the mad ones, the ones who are mad to live, mad to talk, desirious of everything at the same time, the ones who never yawn or say a commonplace thing but burn, burn, burn, like roman candles across the night"  

- Sal Paradise, On The Road